The space, the void of emptiness that exists
A vastness, bereft of feeling
My spirit residing there for so long now
A choice made to cultivate that arena of a barren heart-scape
Alone being a preferred state of being
The awkwardness of trying to feel
Pressing me further into that world
Timid steps out met with fear and apprehension
Uneasiness and trepidation has replaced my Self in this universe
A hand reached out, so quickly pulled back
As if from a flame…
Spirit extended, trembling
As I strive to return
Birthdays make you think… add in a major life alteration and it’s a recipe for reflection and delving into the harder questions that get asked.
I’ve come to think of myself as multi-faceted… Different sides and surfaces of “me” that comprise one whole beautifully complete Self.
Exploring and examining what makes me, me. Really looking at the angles and the edges…where the parts overlap and where they diverge so completely that I wonder how the aspects can even reside in the same “me”. Yet now, looking at the opposites and seeing diversity and wholeness rather than scattered misconceptions.
Embracing that the parts of me aren’t separate and isolated but that they’re intertwined and cohesive.
Aspects of my Self that I’ve had to fight hard to understand and even harder to accept. The challenge to believe that polar opposites can not only exist but that they can enhance each other in a way that I had no idea could happen… years spent trying to figure out the “who” of my Self only to start to discover that it isn’t “either / or” … it’s all about “and”.
A love of flowing, organic hippie chic…jeans and t-shirts…pencil skirts and stiletto high heels…rockabilly dresses and smokin hot vintage shoes…corsets and mini kilts… latin dance or driving house music with bass that you can feel…the softness of meditation or the brutality of a workout that leaves me exhausted and barely able to move…All “me” and yet all so different.
So don’t try to define me by appearances… I encompass so much more than a singular definition ever could describe.
My Self is displayed how I feel and that has no boundaries 😉
Sometimes the right thing and the hardest thing are the same thing.
As I dissect my life and search inside of myself I struggle to make decisions that I know are right but are hard. We all shy away from the hard choices… it’s easier to take the option that is less painful and less work; whether that be emotional or otherwise. Like a lot of people, I don’t enjoy hurting other people’s feelings and making someone else uncomfortable. That has translated at times in my life as staying in relationships that are no longer viable. That no longer fulfill me. This applies to romantic and non-romantic relationships. It’s not fair or right for my life, but also for the other person. Consideration for another persons feelings is paramount but that can’t be at the expense of being true to myself. There is kindness, always, but there has to be truth.
On a broader view…Continuing on a path that is, at best, indifferent, is no way to live a life. Whether that be relationships, a job, where you live or how you live… we usually know the answers we ask ourselves. The real courage and strength is in listening and taking the action that you know you need to take.
For me, it’s now a matter of asking myself some simple questions when faced with a decision… Will my choice bring me closer to or further from my truth and joy? Am I honouring my Self by making the decision I’m making or conceding to what is easy? Will I be able to look back at this and be proud of my integrity in the choice I made?
It means that for a lot of circumstances, the answer won’t be the easy route… but it will be the right one.