There are times when a system just doesn’t work right. Every now and then at work I’ll go away from my desk for a bit and when I come back to my computer, it doesn’t work properly. I try to scroll down a page and it zooms in and out instead…or I try to open an email and it just stalls and blanks out trying to open a new one without closing the old one…I’ll go to open a new tab and it does nothing. Weird behaviour that my IT guy can’t explain. His answer is always the same… “ log off, wait a minute then log back in. That should fix it”. Annoying, but it does always fix it. Whatever “it” is. I’ve asked him why my computer does this and why it needs me to log off and on again and he doesn’t know why. He just says that sometimes systems need a reboot. They just do. I don’t worry too much about it, it’s more an annoyance than an issue really.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about changes that I need to make in my life and how I feel like a failure for not being able to make a lot of them stick. I have grown accustomed to some unhealthy and ineffective behaviours in my life and need to re-set things in a sense. Not eating properly, using medication to get to sleep, not exercising enough – or too much and injuring myself – a lack of self-care in general… the list is pretty long. It seems like I just can’t seem to get past some ingrained hurdles that I have with my Self these past couple of years. The inner voice and chatter needs a good hard whack upside the head to set it straight is what it feels like.
I’ve been in a place similar to this before. Just after my first divorce I found myself in a rut in my life of not caring for myself… too wound up in head in the sand behaviour that I could just do it all and not put any energy into my Self that I crashed. Mentally and physically. Ended up with double pneumonia and had a forced 10 days of down time to reflect on how badly I was taking care of myself. Out of that came a reality check and I booked myself a stay at a spa when my ex-husband took our kids to Disneyland later that year.
What ensued was a full on reboot. I spent 3 nights and 4 days alone… sleeping alone, eating alone, hiking alone… spa therapy treatments, yoga, reading and meditating. The only times I spoke were to order food or book a treatment. At the time I was a single Mom to three little boys and the silence was not only bliss but necessary for me to be able to hear ME. I had become so accustomed to pushing my thoughts and feelings away that I had no idea how to even hear my Self anymore. I found solace in the woods and the water… that was when I realized how healing the ocean and the forests are to me. How I need that in a way that I didn’t know in order to connect with my Self. I’ve carried that with me since then and that’s one of the reasons that I moved to the island. To be able to be near the ocean within a short stroll has been a blessing… being surrounded by areas to hike and connect with that nature energy is necessary in a way that I never doubt.
So I find myself at a crossroads again now… my system isn’t firing right… all the things are in place for it to work and the awareness and the foundation is laid but for some reason, it’s wonky. I’m not going to expend any more time or energy trying to figure it out… it’s time for a reboot. Time to, quite simply, log off – wait a bit – then log back in again. It worked before and it will again.