I want to be free. A simple thought and one that overwhelmed me today. Not just that though…an accompanying thought instantly flashed that what I want is to be free of the fears that bind me.
The irony is that I’m not a fearful person… I’ve worked hard in my life to live my life not guided or limited by my fears. A childhood of debilitating shyness – shyness that impacted my actions to the point of anxiety and terror at new situations and people – bringing me to a decision in my early twenties to make a conscious choice to do things in spite of my fears…many times because of my fears. My choice of career at the time -personal trainer and fitness instructor- was one that truly terrified me to even consider. Which was part of the reason I did it. I was tired of being ruled by my fears. Tired of not doing what I wanted because of my fears.
Each fear I found I conquered and left in the dust. Scared of heights… Zip lining in whistler turned that into a thirst for more, more adventure, more that I was frightened of but would not only do, but love.
It’s not that I’m not still afraid and scared , but it doesn’t stop me. Feel the fear and do it anyways.
So my shock today when I had that thought that I want to feel free … And that I don’t feel that….because I’m afraid. It was as if my Self just simply shone a light on something I haven’t seen in the past couple of years…
The deeply internalized fear that has been so buried that the surprise hit me hard today.
A fear of feeling. If I allow myself to feel good and to have joy and love and passion then that means that I also am opening myself up to the potential to feel the pain of loss and the hurt of emptiness.
I lost my son and that pain sparked a fear beyond any that I could process. The fear that I would ever feel that pain again.
A fear so big that I wasn’t even aware it was there…affecting my actions and my choices these past 2 years.
A fear that fights with my nature and my Self on the most basic of levels.
My nature, my core Self is one of connection with others and my Self. Sincere, genuine and intimate connection. This fear of feeling pain has been, and is, causing a struggle and fight that is tearing me apart.
As the haze of the initial grief burns off leaving me finally starting to move forward I’m able to see clearer.
Able to see that in some altered rationale in my mind this fear has a hold that I don’t want it to have.
That the fear of feeling pain has translated to a course of action that has brought me where I am now. A constant dance of drawing near and pushing away. My core, my Self, yearns for that connection and wants to embrace what I need and want. My fear has caused me to pull back every time anyone gets close enough that I feel that connection. So a dance ensues… With the fear , unknown and without my awareness until now, adeptly carrying me expertly away from the click… Because the most assured way to not be hurt by loss is to not have anything to lose.
So here I sit today and I ponder and I confront… And a conscious decision is made and this fear, like all the others, will fall as well…because I want to be free… And that means free of this fear.
It means letting people in and not pushing them away or pulling myself back. It means that the fear that has stopped me from intimacy … The fear that I’ll feel… Has to be faced and overcome.
The freedom starts now even, before actions. With awareness and intentions that will fuel and drive actions.
whisky sweet 