A weekend of introspection and, more importantly,being out of my comfort zone.
I’m quite simply an introvert. I am happiest most often with my own company and with solitude. I covet my alone time and guard it fiercely. It’s a treasure and sorely needed for my own sanity.
Hand in hand with that is a firm hold on self-reliance, independence and an aversion to even a hint of needing someone else in my life.
Having been on my own since young and a single parent for most of my life, I have always counted only on myself for my needs being met. It’s how I like it and it’s what feels best for me. Safest. I know I won’t let myself down or “fail”. I just won’t.
It’s an interesting slant considering that I also very strongly identify and am someone who is compassionate and empathic… someone who puts those that I love and care for firmly in the forefront of my life. I crave and love connection and have a strong sense of energy and sharing and feeling others. Yet I have built walls lately.
Walls that have always been there in one way or another but that have been fortified the last couple of years. Losing my son 2 and a half years ago affected me in ways I wasn’t really aware of until this past weekend. Seeing that I have carefully crafted an ability to connect but remain slightly closed was an eye opener for me.
During this weekend I was able to stop and see that I was blocked; unable to share … even in a safe and open environment… even when I so desperately needed and wanted to start to take down walls.
Accepting that it’s easier with others and that a helping hand is sometimes needed is not something that comes easy for me, but this past weekend was a start. Asking for help is not something I can do yet … even accepting help when offered is something that I run from.
An offer of healing hands for a sore neck … so hard for me to simply say “yes, thank you”; something seemingly small but such a huge leap for me… not easy, but I did , and it’s a step forward.
It took awareness and the combined energy of those there – those that I spoke to or not… those that I interacted with, or not… those that I knew, or not… it took that to shake the foundation that I had crafted. Shake it enough to loosen the mortar so that it’s easier now for me to start pulling down the bricks.
To accept and say “thank you” and receive. To be open and to share my Self through accepting others energy. Lessons embraced and walls being brought down. I built the walls and I want to, and will, tear them down. Now able to because of the help given to get it started.