I am not someone that you want next to you when enjoying a horror flick.
As anyone who has ever had the pleasure of my company in such a setting can attest to, it’s not fun.
I startle easily and violently with my go-to response being to lash out. I strike, hit, punch, and grab whoever is nearest with lightning speed reflexes.
It’s actually quite impressive, I think. My companions, they tend to disagree.
Which brings me to where I am lately. Alone, at home, giving exposure therapy a valiant effort. There is a long way to go before I’m going to give myself a passing grade and say that I can enter the realm of accompanied horror movie watching again. However, this foray into gore and murderous mayhem has allowed me to discover some truths for myself:
Ten Truths I Have Discovered Through Horror Movies
- Any encounter with a homicidal maniac is always accompanied with either complete silence or stereotypical eerie, chill-inducing music. Always. (ps, this helps know when to cover your eyes when you’re watching, just sayin)
- Your odds of being murdered in a horror movie are directly related to your gender. Female equals kill stock. Males will go too but if you’re female, the odds are stacked against you. If you are pretty, you go sooner.
- The caveat to #2 is that females also have higher odds of being the last survivor. This may have something to do with point #4.
- Your overall attractiveness and bra cup size will dramatically increase the chances of you losing clothing during your struggle to survive the aforementioned homicidal maniac…and your odds of needing to run *bounce bounce bounce*
- We have gut instincts for a reason. Developed over thousands of years to help us stay safe. Why almost no one in horror movies chooses to believe the creepy feeling they have when the porchlight goes out and the wind chimes play is beyond my understanding.
- The same stupidity and knack for poor decision-making that gets a person in trouble will also help them survive – against all odds, if they are the big name star (who is needed for the sequel).
- An adult-sized person can successfully hide behind a sapling.
- Forests at night are scary. Always. There are no helpful woodland creatures like in Bambi, just predators hunting you as you run at top speed through the trees – and somehow manage to not run headfirst into any of them.
- The concept of safety in numbers only works if you all stay together! Do not, under any circumstances, leave the herd to go get a beer. You will not be “right back”. But your body will be found later (accompanied by eerie music or silence – see point # 1).
- I should not watch horror movies alone.