Out for a run today and for me, running is therapeutic. My mind wanders and my issues that are stirring about in my life rise to the surface to be attended to. Some days my running allows thoughts of turmoil and strife to settle and quiet and provide me with a sorely needed solace of quietude and calmness. Other times, my running brings those issues to the forefront and I use that time to focus and problem solve; bringing a determined process of resolution to something that needs the attention. Today was a different type of thought process all together for me.
Today’s run was both introspective and productive which is a new one for me. As I began my run my body felt heavy and slow. Sluggish and hard to move as I felt as though I was lifting and dropping each foot with tremendous effort. My spirit soared though and it felt, inside, good to run. Such a disconnect between my body and mind however had me seriously considering turning back and just going home instead of pushing through. I kept going though… giving myself permission to move slowly and to stop and walk when I needed to. After about half an hour of this my body started to settle and as that happened, my thoughts came up, as they do. One of the things that came to the front of my mind was the following…
I was thinking today about a workshop I attending this past weekend on jealousy and communication and it made me think about the how’s and whys of relationships.
I’ve had 2 marriages and a few longer term relationships and they have each been unique and different in their own ways. I have, after much thought and soul-searching, accepted that they were not “failures” in making it work but rather experiences that have allowed me to grow and learn and move forward. They have brought me to the place where I am now with a better knowledge of myself and an understanding more fully of what is, for me, a need versus a want in a partner and in a committed relationship.
Having just recently ended a long term, committed relationship with a partner that I loved deeply and was hurt by I have been taking time to sort through my emotions and to start to move past the hurt and the sadness of it ending and look to what I am taking away from this experience. A big one for me is the truth that I need to not allow myself to be treated as less than what I deserve. I value respect, honesty and a willingness to communicate too much to not have them as an integral part of a relationship. Lesson learned.
I also am taking away a very distinct belief and understanding, true understanding, that I am enough for myself. I don’t need a partner in my life to fulfill my needs and my desires for companionship and caring and love. I have found that the love I have always had for my own company and solitude is still present. That in order for me to be content, I only need to know myself and understand myself. With that realization has come a freedom from the sadness of losing a partner and a joy in knowing that I am choosing to be single now. That I am making a conscious decision to take the time that I need to be with my own thoughts and my own musings on finding and enveloping who I am so that when the time is right I will find the partner that complements my life and time and energy. Someone who will enhance my life and be there to enjoy the moments of joy. A partner to journey the rougher times with and offer support to each other, out of love and compassion and understanding. An understanding that will be fostered from 2 people who know themselves well enough to know what they need from someone else.
A wonderful ideal and one that doesn’t just happen but rather takes time and work and commitment to being willing to put in that time and effort. The rewards are worth it though. The reality is that the effort and the commitment start with putting in the work and the brutal honesty needed to build the strongest foundational relationship of all though – my relationship with myself.
By doing nothing and not making a choice, you are indeed making a choice. A life directed by inaction won’t lead you where you want to be except by chance and do you really want to gamble the odds with your dreams?
In the process of feeding my cat today I dropped the little cup of dry cat food as I bent to place it in her bowl. Kibbles flew everywhere and scattered, some landing in her fur, some clear across the room and the floor basically covered with little bits of cat yumminess 🙂
My cat, sitting beside her bowl, looked up at me with a look that said “well, get moving, none of that landed in my bowl and I’m not eating off the floor”.
As I put another scoop in the bowl and she began to eat I went and got the vacuum out. With each kibble sucked up and taken care of it occurred to me that had she been a dog, this wouldn’t have been an issue. After the drop of food, I would have simply walked out of the kitchen as she bounded to and fro in bliss, so happy for the “scavenger hunt” that her amazing Mistress had provided for her ;).
On the flip side though, I can top up her foodbowl and leave for 24 hours and I know she’ll be fine when I get back. No trips out to the great outdoor bathroom needed…no “lack of attention” behaviour to worry about…nope, quite the contrary; when I return I will be greeted with a look (if she bothers to look up when I come in the house) that will say “oh, you decided to come back?” followed by indifference.
People may say cats are uncaring but it’s always her little warm furry body that slowly curls up to me when I need her the most. We just never speak of it afterwards 😉
Came across this quote today…
“The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.” by Flannery O’Connor and it resonates with me.
Whether or not we want something to “be” sometimes it just “is”. The simple fact is that we don’t need to be okay with it, we don’t need to be happy about it or even accept it wholly. It’s enough acceptance to have it just “be” and know that you can’t change it. Happy journeying fellow wanderers *hugs*
Ok, just saw a segment on a morning talk show about goggles for dogs to prevent UV exposure damage to their eyes…. got me thinking….
What in the world did all those wild doggies do for all those thousands of years? What do the wolves and dingoes and such do now? My goodness! They must be wandering the wilds half blind by now from all that sun exposure and those horrid UV rays!
But also makes you wonder just how much of the “stuff” that we buy into *needing* we really actually NEED.
I have a friend who told me recently that she never uses sunscreen anymore. She tries to avoid too much sun exposure and be smart about her time in the sun and not burn but doesn’t use it anymore. When I asked her why she replied that North Americans have the highest use of sunscreen products and also have one of the highest rates of skin cancers. Think about the fact that your skin is porous…what you put ON it, gets IN you….
But I digress…the fact is we don’t NEED most of what we have been led to believe that we do. When you look at your wants versus your needs you’ll see you can do without a whole heck of alot. When I recently moved long distance I vowed that only what fit in my car in boxes was coming with me…and did it. Feels very freeing to not have everything that was weighing me down. OK, I will admit…. I did NEED that rolling pin I got rid of but I can buy another one. Not saying it’s a perfect science!
Simple thought for today…think about whether you really need what you think you do – you probably don’t 😉
Living abundantly doesn’t mean with lots of stuff…
I was out walking a couple of days agao and went a different direction and came across a new part of the beach that I hadn’t come across before. As I was wandering I noticed a water fountain and as I passed it I saw that it had a plaque on it. In memeory of someone obviously; there are park benches galore with those little plaques and such. I always take a second to look and read these. Someone loved a person enough to leave a lasting physical mark of their life so the least I can do is glance at the name or names I figure. This one struck me though and I stopped to go back and have another read and really think about it. The inscription is in memory of Mary Elizabeth Botterell who lived in the area for years and loved this beach area in particular, passing away in 2000. A touching reminder of someone who clearly loved the area enough to spend the vast majority of her life here. This plaque also held a poem, not sure who it’s by, maybe a family member, maybe Mary herself or maybe just one she loved. It reads “I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the gentle autumn rain, I am the swift uplifting rush of the quiet birds in circled flight, I am the soft stars that shine at night”.
A pretty poem on a simple landmark to stand true to the memory of someone who was special enough to those she left behind that they chose to ensure that she will always remain, in some way, where she most loved to be.
Perfect and precious.
You know how it’s said that you never stop learning? Well, after 30 plus years of baking I discovered today that Kahlua can be used in place of vanilla 😀 … Love how you have to get creative when you reach that “no going back” point in baking and notice you’re missing a key ingredient….
It’s funny how people tend to drop in your lap just when you need them to sometimes. I had an appointment today with a new hairdresser and within 5 minutes it became clear that I was meant to be sittign exactly in his chair and hearing what he had to say.
I’ve been searching for what to do professionally and getting a bit frustrated and a sense of “what am I going to do” has been creeping into my head more often.
After 10 minutes with this man and what was, on the surface, idle chit chat it took a turn for deeper conversation as we recognized in each other a kindred sharing of base beliefs. Beliefs in a universal law of energy and the simple truth that what you believe to be possible IS possible. The flip side…what you believe to be NOT possible, will never come to fruition.
I was talking with Sweetie the other day about this very thing and how I believe that if you don’t honestly think that you can achieve something, then you never will. For the basic fact that whether consciously or subconsciously, you will make your belief a reality. If you don’t believe something can be achieved then you will never give the challenge the energy or effort needed to achieve it. After all, why try if you know, deep down that there is no possibility of success? This is about so much more than a conscious thought. It is the universal rule that we create that which we believe we can have …and that which we believe we deserve.
There’s a big difference between talking the talk and walking the walk.
Not only did I walk away with a gorgeous new colour of hair but a reaffirming of the truth that I can achieve what I know I deserve and what I KNOW I can do…
as always, Lola
Life can be all too serious all too often; sometimes it helps to remember that laughter really does make it all better!