Wait, I Can Explain…

A glimpse inside the search engine history of a writer

or in other words:

If my computer is ever searched and I am a murder suspect, I am screwed.

  1. “Dispersal patterns of blood seepage in beach sand: hot sand vs cold?” (Image search) (spoiler alert – very pretty but verrry hard to reproduce)
  2. “Time from throat slitting to unconsciousness?”
  3. “Does saline freeze?”
  4. “Comparison of poisoning symptoms: rat poison vs arsenic”
  5. “Which poisons are the least detectable in an autopsy?”
  6. “Is suffocation by packed snow in throat possible?” (aka: James Bond movies do not lie)
  7. “Human body dismemberment: gross anatomy information” (Image search)
  8. “Death by starvation, how long? By lack of water?”
  9. “Can insomnia cause insanity?” (also a personal interest search)
  10. “What chemicals are used in a chemical port-a-potty?”
  11. “Symptoms of biocide poisoning” (see end result from previous search)
  12. “Death by heat stroke – in enclosed high temperature spaces – how long?”
  13. “How to permanently clear a search history?” (sadly, you never can really clear it all, we’re all screwed)


Top Ten – Horror Movie Truths

I am not someone that you want next to you when enjoying a horror flick.

As anyone who has ever had the pleasure of my company in such a setting can attest to, it’s not fun.

I startle easily and violently with my go-to response being to lash out. I strike, hit, punch, and grab whoever is nearest with lightening speed reflexes.

It’s actually quite impressive, I think. My companions, they tend to disagree.

Which brings me to where I am lately. Alone, at home, giving exposure therapy a valiant effort. There is a long way to go before I’m going to give myself a passing grade and say that I can enter the realm of accompanied horror movie watching again. However, this foray into gore and murderous mayhem has allowed me to discover some truths for myself:

Ten Truths I Have Discovered Through Horror Movies

  1. Any encounter with a homicidal maniac is always accompanied with either complete silence or stereotypical eerie, chill-inducing music. Always. (ps, this helps know when to cover your eyes when you’re watching, just sayin)
  2. Your odds of being murdered in a horror movie are directly related to your gender. Female equals kill stock. Males will go too but if you’re female, the odds are stacked against you. If you are pretty, you go sooner.
  3. The caveat to #2 is that females also have higher odds of being the last survivor. This may have something to do with point #4.
  4. Your overall attractiveness and bra cup size will dramatically increase the chances of you losing clothing during your struggle to survive the aforementioned homicidal maniac…and your odds of needing to run *bounce bounce bounce*
  5. We have gut instincts for a reason. Developed over thousands of years to help us stay safe. Why almost no one in horror movies chooses to believe the creepy feeling they have when the porchlight goes out and the wind chimes play is beyond my understanding.
  6. The same stupidity and knack for poor decision-making that gets a person in trouble will also help them survive – against all odds, if they are the big name star (who is needed for the sequel).
  7. An adult-sized person can successfully hide behind a sapling.
  8. Forests at night are scary. Always. There are no helpful woodland creatures like in Bambi, just predators hunting you as you run at top speed through the trees – and somehow manage to not run headfirst into any of them.
  9. The concept of safety in numbers only works if you all stay together! Do not, under any circumstances, leave the herd to go get a beer. You will not be “right back”. But your body will be found later (accompanied by eerie music or silence – see point # 1).
  10. I should not watch horror movies alone.



Miscommunication by Generation Gap

*her (client, early twenties)* “excuse me, do you have the wifi password for here?”

*me (working, nearing mid forties)* “Of course, it’s (I pause, giving her time to get ready to type as she is holding her device in her hand, at the ready) Spine, with a capital S, pound sign, zero, zero, seven.”

*her* (typing, she stops and looks at me) “is pound with a capital P too?”

*me* “Nope, I mean the pound sign, not the word pound. You know, the “number” sign it’s called too. It’s Spine, with a capital S, pound sign, then zero, zero, seven.” (I smile)

*her* blinks and stares at me, silent.

*me* stares back, smiling, silent

*her* stares back and smiles

*me*Would you like me to write it down?”

*her* “That would be great” she beams.

*me* writes down “Spine#007” and hands her the piece of paper.

*her* “Oh, you mean a hashtag! That symbol is a hashtag, not whatever you called it – a pound? It’s a hashtag. It came out a couple of years ago.” She smiles.

she hands me back the piece of paper as she starts typing and turns to sit down.

*me* “Yeah, thanks” I smile back.




Step Class Top 10

I recently went to a step aerobics class after not having done one in almost two years. To say that I am sore would be a gross misuse of that word. While I had a great time and will definitely be starting that up again, I can’t pretend that my mind and body were far from united in their bliss during the class.

Now, I love a good top ten list, and my head works in lists and they make me happy.

Cases in point to reflect on:

Mudd Sweat and Tears aka WTF made me think this was going to be fun?!

By the Seat of My Pants aka Lesson from Lucy

Nope, not going to run aka the messed up mind of a runner

So, to round out the experience (and to help me stick on the “yes it WAS a fun time and I WILL go back train of thought….) a top ten list of my mental entertainment during the ordeal:

  1. Stretching is like the dessert of exercise classes so why are we not doing it more and for longer??? Yes I love cardio and strength training but let me be perfectly honest when I say I am blissed out when it is time to lay my sweaty self on the mat and not move. At. All. Ahhhhhh
  2. As much as things change, they stay the same. I have been teaching fitness classes since, literally (and yes I am using that word correctly), Step Aerobics was invented so I know what I’m talking about. There is comfort is familiarity. My L step is your L step. Happy.
  3. I still don’t follow well. I try, I really do but I have taught for so long and been the leader for so long that it’s just too hard to break that. I mix up left and right and have a tendency to let my mind wander and when it comes back, I am not where everyone else is (physically sometimes – ooops, Zumba is hell with the non-verbal cueing for me). I am polite enough to stand in the back because I know my failings here. I promise I won’t crash into anyone, that’s the best I can offer.
  4. Loud music with a beat makes me move. No matter how bad of a mood I’m in or how tired I thought I was. The louder the better. If you dare to complain that the music is too loud in the class, expect me to comment that earplugs are a great option. Do not mess with the one place I don’t have to worry about noise complaints from my neighbours. I will growl at you and your sensitive ears.
  5. Along those lines… you can take any song, no matter how retro or how current, adda  32 count beat and voila, they all sound oddly the same. Comforting yet disconcerting all at the same time.
  6. I still sweat 40 seconds into a class. I do not, and never will, be one of those people who “glows with perspiration”. Nope, I sweat. A lot. Like a lot a lot. And I love it. A lot.
  7. I still smile and encourage the people who will never hear the beat. You are doing it and loving it and I applaud that. Now go in the corner where you aren’t a distraction, thank you.
  8. My germ phobia issues are no better in a group setting than in the quiet weight room. Nope… oh goodness how many hands have been on these weights?!
  9. Gliders are the demon spawn of frisbees and as such, should be thrown hard and far. If you don’t know the wonders of these little tidbits of hell, youtube it. You’re welcome.
  10. Why are we still doing exercises like reverse crunches?! Didn’t we, in our secret fitness guru meetings way back in the 2000’s decide to outlaw these exercises that no one does correctly anyways!!! Sigh, that’s ok, I am more than happy to boycott them and enjoy an extra 5 minutes of stretching/napping on my mat while everyone else jerks their hips up in what appears to be intestinal seizures. Just please be quiet , I’m napping.

A Glimpse of Zen, or, How My Mind Works During Yoga

this is going to be amazing, it’s been far too long since I’ve been one with myself, ahhhhhh

when WAS the last time I went to a yoga class?

should I have gone pee one more time?

why do I have to pee so much? maybe I should get that checked out? maybe I should make an appointment for the doctor? Oh, I need to make an appointment with the dentist too. Where’s my phone to make a note to remind myself… dammit. not here.

apparently it’s grade 5 in here. strawberry scented lip gloss. really?? nice to meet you mat neighbour. *slowly slides mat over, away from offending smell*

I’m going to leave my hair unbound and feel the freedom.

freedom of hair equals hair in nose and mouth and eyes. hair tie in. hair freedom is overrated.

how can just sitting and breathing be so uncomfortable – and so annoying.

yes, finally, time to get moving!

I can totally get into that pose. used to do it all the time. loved it. and…. nope.

oh, this one, yes, this one is soooo good. and….nope.

Bend, reach, turn, look and – oh you have got to be f*&%ing kidding me. only if you want to hear that work out loud and not censored. nope.

child’s pose is for quitters. I can hold downward dog for 8 breaths. yup. and… child’s pose it is.

have my knees always been this fat?

jump into forward bend, yes! ….or not. walking there is good too though.

I love the colour of this tank top. wait, when did my body turn into the michelin man. I am never wearing this top again. as a matter of fact, when did my body start to look like THIS? ok, do not look in the mirror. ever. it adds 25 pounds and 10 years apparently. 

fold forward, how freaking far away is the floor???

there are my feet, finally. I need a pedicure. badly.

I need to shave my legs. badly.

oh, sweetie is coming for the weekend. yes, legs need to be shaved.

grins…. ok, stop that train of thought. ahem, back to yoga.

yoga helps with flexibility… grins….STOP that train of thought!

how is it that I can only successfully grow a maximum of 3 nails on each hand at any given time? It’s like the universe has some sort of rule for my fingernails.

dammit I forgot to make a nail appointment. need to remember that when I get back to the office

did I log off my computer when I left? did I logout of facebook? what if I die here and someone has to go into my computer? hmmmm. is it just burnt toast when you’re having a stroke? or is it other smells? maybe that wasn’t her lip gloss,. maybe it was a stroke and I was smelling strawberries. Am I too young for a stroke? no… young people have strokes too. would I know if I was? maybe that pain in my shoulder isn’t the joint, maybe it’s warning sign of a heart attack???

shut up brain, you’re fine. breath. it’s yoga and zen time!

how long is an hour!!! isn’t this over yet?

I liked it better when I taught the Yoga classes. that way I got to do all the poses I liked…

finally, we’re laying down.

must. move. hair. tie. ouch.



not zen

how can I relax when I’m on a thin mat on a concrete floor with fans going??? no, I don’t feel the peaceful energy of the universe. I’m shivering and need to pee. again.

and done.

I should do this every week. or never again. either way.


From not walking to running

Inside the mind of a committed (read: obsessed) exercise enthusiast, or, how I went from “I am not going to even walk today” to running 10km.

5am: Eyes closed still. Sleepy. Been awake since 4:30 when the cat jumped on my belly and woke up my need to pee. Can’t fall back asleep; the alarm is set for 5:30… I’m not getting up any earlier…. Run day today. Ugh.

5:15am (ish): The cat is onto me. She knows I’m awake but I’m pretending to be asleep and ignore her pleas for food. I can hear the rain outside. I’m tired. It’s clearly raining hard. Probably windy. Definitely cold. I’m tired. Really don’t want to run… but I should…

5 minutes later: I know… I’ll go to the gym and run on the treadmill. No rain, no wind, not chilly. *envisions banging head repeatedly on brick wall* I can’t do it. The treadmill is the hamster wheel of hell. I’d rather not run at all than run on a treadmill.

5 minutes later: Well now, there’s an idea. Not go for a run… I should take a rest day. I know, I know, this is my month of my self-imposed challenge of exercise every day, no days off. Buuuut…. rest days are important, just as important as anything else. That’s when your body heals and repairs itself so it can become stronger….. I know this stuff, I’m a personal trainer and Yoga teacher… yes, I’ll take a rest day.

5:30am (alarm finally goes off): Sigh, up and time to get ready for work. I’m glad I’m taking a rest day… it’ll be good for me. I’m not even going to go for a walk today. Nope, complete rest day. Restorative. Good.

6:00am: I’m going to head out for the 5km route. I’ll just do a walk/run and take it easy. Better than nothing and I’ll be glad when it’s done that I did it. Can’t take the guilt of being sedentary.

6:15am: dressed and ready to go just about. Another glance outside and switching to the slightly more water repellant jacket as it’s coming down like crazy out there. It’s ok though, just a 5km walk/run. Won’t be out there long.

6:30am: out the door and starting to run. A few blocks in and everything feels good. Maybe I’ll skip the intervals and just do a straight through run for the 5km.

…Approaching the turn off that will take me from the 5km loop route to the 7.5 km route…
If I can do the 5km, maybe I’ll do the longer run… I won’t run it though… I’ll walk/run interval it.

…At the approximate 2.5km point… Usually take a 30 or 60 second walk break here but hmmm, maybe I’ll skip this one. I’ll do King George Terrace hill then do a walk break… yeah, let’s see how hard I can push through the hill without a walk break first…
… Hill done and kicked ass on it. No point in a walk break now that it’s levelled off… and I’ve made it this far. Maybe I’ll do the full 7.5km without a walk… yeah… see how hard I can go today.

…approaching the turn point that is the halfway mark for the 7.5 km route… hmmm, I’m feeling good, great even. What if I didn’t turn here and instead I kept to the right and kept going for the 10km route? I don’t have to run all of it… I can walk/run interval it. Yeah

… ignores the turn and heads on, now committed to the 10km route.

… 5 minutes later… it would be stupid to walk NOW. I’ve made it this far and I still feel great! I can totally do this without walking! I’m not going to walk.

…Approaching the Marina which signals the last 2.5 km of the route. Almost there. I can definitely do this without walking… I wonder how my time is? My timer is at home so I won’t know till I get there…

… I feel so proud that I’ve done this without walking – it doesn’t matter what my time is. Just doing it without walk breaks is accomplishment enough.

… I bet if I just pushed a little harder I could finish in a better time than last time.

… Not that the time is important.

… Oh hell, who am I kidding…let’s see how hard I can push and how fast I can do this last couple of kilometers. Timing is everything.

*Arrives home, sweaty, soaked from the rain but feeling amazing*

And that’s how you go from snuggled in bed, swearing you are not even going for a walk to running one of the fastest 10km’s you’ve done in 10 years.

I crave you…

My craving for you grows stronger the longer that we’re apart
I desire you like no other
My body aches for you
Remembering times you were mine
My senses titillated with your nearness
I close my eyes and breath in your scent from my memories
I can feel you… taste you…
As the time when we’ll be together again draws closer,
I almost tremble with anticipation
You will be mine again…soon…
The holiday season is upon us and I will devour you
My love for you knows no bounds.
If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
My fruitcake, my love, you will be mine…