A dichotomy of desires and denial
A body and soul left untouched for so long that it at once both cries out for and recoils at the mere thought of intimacy
Skin that yearns to be stroked and felt…wanting pleasure and pain again to be tasted, leaving a thirst for more to be quenched.
The same shell that holds my Self screaming inside at the thought of touch and caresses – cringing with a loathing at the closeness that would bring. A closeness that I feel myself not only incapable of but not deserving of.
A mind, conflicted with duality and turmoil. Logic and reason against giving in to wants and needs struggles with the straining to find connection with other souls.
Judgement clouded by fear of actually finding what I seek. My boundaries held in place by a consciousness that is steeped in trepidation.
So the days and weeks and months pass… the habit of aloneness becoming more and more firmly entrenched in my life. The bridge to cross to allow anyone to enter my space, physical or emotional, becoming harder to traverse.
Knowing that the first step to open the door to someone will be almost insurmountable… yet also knowing that it’s time to do so.