Untangling. Yes, just simply, that’s it. Trying to find a word that captures the feelings this past while and that is it. Taking a mess of jumbled and tangled everything and slowly picking away, twisting and turning… a pull here, a tug there, ooops, that made it worse. Backtrack a bit, try another way … then that moment when you feel it start to loosen and give way. Just when you start to think that it’s a lost cause, it starts to come undone; it untangles.
Seemingly randomly at times but the truth is that it was because of the effort put in…the trying and the re-trying and the futile feeling attempts. Sometimes near tears of frustration and wanting to just give up and toss it out, now you hold that smooth, long expanse in your hands and smile. You can put it down now and stop worrying it and move forward.

A weekend of introspection and, more importantly,being out of my comfort zone.

I’m quite simply an introvert. I am happiest most often with my own company and with solitude. I covet my alone time and guard it fiercely. It’s a treasure and sorely needed for my own sanity.

Hand in hand with that is a firm hold on self-reliance, independence and an aversion to even a hint of needing someone else in my life.

Having been on my own since young and a single parent for most of my life, I have always counted only on myself for my needs being met. It’s how I like it and it’s what feels best for me. Safest. I know I won’t let myself down or “fail”. I just won’t.

It’s an interesting slant considering that I also very strongly identify and am someone who is compassionate and empathic… someone who puts those that I love and care for firmly in the forefront of my life. I crave and love connection and have a strong sense of energy and sharing and feeling others. Yet I have built walls lately.

Walls that have always been there in one way or another but that have been fortified the last couple of years. Losing my son 2 and a half years ago affected me in ways I wasn’t really aware of until this past weekend. Seeing that I have carefully crafted an ability to connect but remain slightly closed was an eye opener for me.

During this weekend I was able to stop and see that I was blocked; unable to share … even in a safe and open environment… even when I so desperately needed and wanted to start to take down walls.

Accepting that it’s easier with others and that a helping hand is sometimes needed is not something that comes easy for me, but this past weekend was a start. Asking for help is not something I can do yet … even accepting help when offered is something that I run from.

An offer of healing hands for a sore neck … so hard for me to simply say “yes, thank you”; something seemingly small but such a huge leap for me… not easy, but I did , and it’s a step forward.

It took awareness and the combined energy of those there – those that I spoke to or not… those that I interacted with, or not… those that I knew, or not… it took that to shake the foundation that I had crafted. Shake it enough to loosen the mortar so that it’s easier now for me to start pulling down the bricks.

To accept and say “thank you” and receive. To be open and to share my Self through accepting others energy. Lessons embraced and walls being brought down. I built the walls and I want to, and will, tear them down. Now able to because of the help given to get it started.

Thank you.

I am

She tears at me from my depths
searing me
the rawness of Her scares me at times
Her force expansive and full
all at once a part of me and yet all of me
She gnaws and clamors,
seeking, hunting for a way out,
demanding release,
needing to be freed,
not to escape.
never to be gone.
Her savageness is my Self.
Her primal ferocity is mine – is me.
She hungers for indulgence,
She rests no longer.
Her right to be acknowledged met,
born by pain, blood, rage, howls and screams,
born by softness, solitude, silence and love.
Her screams no longer silent.
My eyes shine with Her light ,set free to luminesce
My heart beats, as it always has, with Our strength, now knowing it…
in the purest sense of knowing it.
aware of coming home to my Self.
Her and I, One now, We weep and rage and laugh and are…
expressed and celebrated…
found, brought forth, joined and embraced

I am
She is
We are
complete in Our fractured pieces
perfect in Our imperfection
beautiful in Our brokenness
I am Her as She is Me
We are
I am

and she flew

wind dances in her hair, lifting and playing with the jumbled strands
the breeze kisses her
tingles bring a shiver to her as she roots to the edge
eyes closed softly against the view
the horizon’s image burned into her mind
the setting sun blazes but no heat reaches her
the season has turned and taken the warmth with it
leaving a chill mated with the sun now as it lowers in the sky
steady and strong is her stance
she waits
she knows when its the right moment
she waits
the movements awakens far inside of her
long before any perceptible sign is visible
she draws her breath inward
slowly and deeply, fully into her
her wings unfurl, expand, reach
face uplifted, eyes opening as she gazes
exhale and an effortless lean forward
not so much the freedom of flight she seeks
as it is the release of the weight she leaves
as she soars

and she flew

There is a lot of talk surrounding “couple privilege” and “primary privilege” in poly relationships. As a single secondary by choice, it’s a  topic very close to home for me and one that I have lived and lost with in my relationships.

The common slant is that it’s wrong and hurtful and should be abolished in order for healthy and fulfilling relationships to be. That’s a simplified synopsis of a long and drawn out topic but it pretty well sums up the general consensus for the most part.

Taking a look at it though it’s not that simple.

In relationships, boundaries and parameters are set by the people  who are IN the relationships. There aren’t , and can’t be, “rules” that everyone should abide by. That would insinuate that we are all the same or that we all have the same goals or aspirations in our relationships. And we don’t.

Some climb on the relationship escalator and thrive in the progression of integrating lives and finances and social circles and all aspects of their lives. They tangle themselves happily and beautifully into each other lives and enmesh and forge a bond that fits them. That fits THEM.

Other float like satellites…tethering briefly from one person to the next for a time; maybe hours or days or weeks or even years… but essentially solo. Their own sphere being what fulfills them and they choose to connect in a different way. Not necessarily less emotionally bonded or less enmeshed. Just differently as seen from other points of view.

Others create vast and strongly intertwined polycules of loves and partners. Families and shared lives-  together but separate. Or multiple couples and singles circling the same expanse of a community, creating and forging different bonds with different people in a fluid and ever-changing dance of love and respect.

Poly takes on so many forms and versions and it all is a flow of communication and finding – and expressing – your needs and wants so that you can find what it is that you DO need and want. Something we each have to do.

Which brings me, finally, to where I started. Couples who are in primary style relationships. Poly in nature but living a bonded and committed long-term relationship that fits the understood term of primary. Two people who have decided that the relationships they have with each other are Primary and the most important to them emotionally. With that, for each partnership like that, comes sets of boundaries and parameters that are in place in order to protect and preserve the stability and security of that primary relationship. Why? Because they have agreed , together, that it is the one relationship in their lives that must come first, before all others,and they have built their lives together on that. They have based their boundaries for secondary interactions on the basis that their primary relationship is to be protected – above all else.

That isn’t a bad thing. It is what works for many many couples. It’s no different from a person who identifies as a solo poly or single poly stating their boundaries and need to remain and be “solo” even within establishing relationships. A solo poly person is not selfish any more than a couple in primary relationships are exclusion based. They’re just different.

Where it comes up that it’s “bad” is when people have experiences that hurt when they either don’t have that basis communicated or when it isn’t adequately conveyed that that is what is in place. Secondaries who come away from “couple privilege” hurt and angry and ranting about how bad it is have usually been subjected to either lies or omissions. They have been told that the primary coupling does not exist within the relationship they are joining or they have been told that it will change – when in fact there was no intention from the couple that it would. People have more reasons that able to be listed as to why lies are told or deceptions are perpetrated and they are usually set in fear of not getting, or keeping, something they want.

A partner who is one half of a primary coupling who plays the “primary card” and ends a secondary relationship is not bad or wrong or unfair. Not if it has been established that , at any time, they can choose to end a secondary involvement if they feel that their primary relationship is threatened or if they decide that it’s not working anymore. If someone is told and actively empowered that they have that right, then it’s not wrong for them to enact it.  The secondary may get hurt but if it has been initially laid out, then regardless of hurt, acceptance is how it ends…because those are the rules that everyone agreed to play by. Knowingly and with mature awareness.

Not right or wrong. Just how it is – for them.

It may strike some as wrong but if something is right for those involved, then its’ right for them and that;s all that matters. If a secondary is handed those rules at the outset and doesn’t think it’s fair or right, they have the option of walking away. oOt because it’s “wrong”, but because it’s not right, for them. There may be another secondary who sees those parameters and thrives and fits in perfectly.

It all comes down to ensuring that our needs and wants and parameters are clearly – and honestly – laid bare. From day one.. and knowing that we are responsible for seeing what is laid before us. With open eyes, seeing with our heads and our ears and our eyes… not just with our hearts.

We live and we learn and if we’re lucky, we don’t make the same mistake twice.